I had no idea what to do. Zero clue. Flapping madly in the wind, totally devoid of solutions, I called a dear friend. "I'm out of my wheelhouse here. How should I handle this?" I asked my wonderful therapist, "I've never dealt with this kind of situation before and have no idea as to how I should proceed. I would love your insight." Usually I sit with things and write about them, pray and meditate on them, but my intuition led me to the truth that in this situation I had nothing. I needed external, even professional help.
The decision to stay in a relationship with a person that I loved fiercely but who was managing circumstances I didn't feel equipped to deal with, or to make the slashing choice of walking away was absolutely crippling. I couldn't make that call on my own. I wanted to stay and support and dig deep into whatever the future held for him and for us, but in equal measure I already felt defeated and exhausted. I needed to crawl to the sidelines and collapse, lick my wounds for weeks and begin building the strength to live on my own again.
I took my friend's advice and followed my therapist's counsel, ending my beautiful relationship that had held such promise. That decision became a sharp pivot, orienting a chain reaction of uncomfortable events that have transformed the circumstances of my life, my mind, my heart, my social circle, my everything... down to the molecular level.
Barely have I felt right or good or sure about having made that significant choice that changed everything. It has existed in a purgatorial state of justification mixed with intense self doubt. Did I make a terrible mistake? Did I completely fuck it all up? Am I a horrible person?
Yesterday while picking peaches with a friend, she told me about a book called "The Right Mistake" by Walter Mosley. "Sometimes that's the best we can do," she said, "is just make the right mistake." The minute she said those words I relaxed a micron of air from my clenched lungs. The phrase rang as truth. I made the right mistake. It's all I had to work with at the time, so I made it and moved forward inside of the context of that choice. It hasn't been pretty. It hasn't been easy. It still feels like an open wound, raw, tender and highly susceptible to infection. But with that simple phrase, "The Right Mistake," I cut myself some slack.
As I traverse the shifty and shifting realms of being and doing my best in this life, I am committed to truth, integrity, kindness, empowerment, creativity and vision. I'm committed to love, and to loving my own and other's humanity. I make mistakes. Sometimes they are the right ones.